Wow. It's been six months since I was 'here'. Sheesh. A lot has happened but everything is the same: I am off work and feel about the same; I have a definite diagnosis: CFS & FM (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia) and I lost the weight I gained (in case you're keeping track). So...I am about the same as the rest of the planet: I have good days/hours/minutes...I have bad days/hours/minutes. There's many people better off than me...there's many more worse off.

I had an attitude adjustment a few days ago, however, that has had an unexpected affect on me. I was reading the intro of "How to be Sick" by Toni Bernhard & Sylvia Boorstein and realized the author's symptoms are almost exactly the same as mine: widespread weakness and pain; bone-numbing fatigue; headaches.

I might be sick.

I know what you're thinking: being on disability and off work for six months usually hints at an illness of some sort. Ahh...but here's the 'kicker'...I hadn't really ACCEPTED that I was sick. I was still living like a 'well' person in spite of being sick. After I read Bernhard's description, two things happened: one, I realized on a deeper, cellular level that I have a 'condition' that will prevent me from living how I used to live and, two, I may as well get used to it.

Now I feel un-sick.

I have accepted that I will have some issues with living a 'normal' life so I had better get my ass in gear and figure out a new 'normal' way to live for me. My new 'normal' includes taking better care of myself physically, mentally and spiritually. It's not like this is new or profound...isn't this the most common refrain every January 1st? Sounds great in theory but in practice? Not so much.

MY plan includes the following:

- daily yoga
- drinking more green tea than coffee every day
- doing the "Game On" diet with Carmen on June 1st
- eating better, including cutting back on sugar with Ashley
- living more mindfully

I will be going on and on about these things in upcoming posts...stay tuned. :)

I weigh HOW MUCH???!!!

How the bloody hell can anyone gain 20 lbs in a month?!!  Positive thinking, my a**. What a great time to practice being mindful <sigh>. If something doesn't change, I'll have to change the title of this Blog to "Roll. Stay. Heal."

My new rules...feel free to follow along - misery loves company:

I, being of sound (relatively) mind and growing body, hereby declare I will solemnly (if not reluctantly):

1) Follow the Canada Food Guide. 
Sooooo boring but really - who wants to eat anything else once they've eaten seven servings of broccoli and whole-grain toast?  Nothing like forcefeeding yourself two pounds of carrots to dampen your enthusiasm for chocolate.
I eat a LOT of soup now.  A lot. I slosh when I walk. And I make everything so spicy.  You tend to eat less when there's a hole in your tongue.
Thanks to our tax-payers' dollars, the Canadian Gov't has a great Guide-related website.  There's even a link where you can make your own little poster to hang on your fridge, so you can read about what you should be eating as you stuff your face with Nutella straight from the jar.
The site: http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/food-guide-aliment/index-eng.php and watch for the "Create MY Food Guide" icon on the right side of the page.

2) Drink Water and Green Tea
I dunno why but everyone seems to agree: you can't get enough of either. Something about water making you feel full and tea loading you up with anti-oxidants. I'm counting the time I spend running to the bathroom as exercise time.  If you doubt me, just Google it...you'll see...

3) Move.
For 30 minutes a day.  Everyday. Vigorous housecleaning counts. Doing dishes, unfortunately doesn't.  Doc says nothing strenuous so, my physio dude has set up a plan to build a stronger core and improve my posture (hopefully diminishing the appearance of my rather rotund belly). if you see a diet plan that does not include exercise...IT...WILL...NOT...WORK.  Or, it might work, but you'll end up in the ICU.  People DO tend to  lose weight when they're on the verge of death.

4) Sit. Stay. Heal.
I will SIT and meditate everyday so I can STAY away from crapola and stop mindlessly shoving my face with Nutella, thereby HEALing my big belly. Every time I want a snack (is eating Nutella straight from the jar really a snack?) I will STAY with my thoughts long enough to determine if I'm really hungry. THEN I will mindfully eat Nutella straight from the jar.

5) I had a great point for #5 but I forgot what it was.  Must be the Nutella-induced sugar crash.  I'll get back to you.

Wish me luck...I will let you know how it goes and please let me know how you're doing. 

Rememeber...MOVE!! Not across the country, just across the livingroom. And NOT out to the kitchen.  I'll be right here, with my Nutella-slathered race, rooting for you.

Namaste everyone.

Happy Anniversary?

I have had fibromyalgia officially for one month. Yippee for me. I'm kinda tired of the whole thing already: doctors, pills, side-effects, pain, moods so swingy I feel like a trapeze artist. <sigh> But enough about me.  This IS going to be a positive blog/journey/life/whatever.  There WILL be whining, swearing and crying, but hopefully not here. Or at least minimally. I hate to sound trite but..."If only one person is helped by reading this, it will be worth it..." yadda yadda yadda.

I WILL create a positive life in spite of? including? how 'bout BECAUSE of this silly little diagnosis.  I WILL learn how to Sit. Stay. Heal. I am throwing this out to the Universe...ARE YOU LISTENING OUT THERE???!!!! I WILL HAVE A POSITIVE LIFE!!! I WILL!!! And I hope I take plenty of people with me. But not in a 'gone postal' kind of way.

I will Sit...with the pain and not become all screwy and entertwined with it.  I will not ignore it or get angry or depressed or...anything it.  I will just Sit.  Both literally - in lotus, when I am meditating and figuratively, when I find my woeful self all wrapped up in her woeful self.  Why? Because to become part of the pain gives it power.  To become woeful is just pathetic and I hate pathetic.  Because I can't pay attention to other people when I am too busy paying attention to myself. 

I will Stay...in that yoga position or bent-over-cuz-I-can't-stand-cuz-my-back-refuses-to-straighten and I will watch.  I will watch my breath and thoughts and pain and I will marvel at the fact that my thoughts are worse than aphids - zip here and zip there with no logic or plan - and I will marvel at the way the pain lessens when I watch it.  It just needs a little attention.  I will stay in that Godforsaken yoga position that irritates my entire being cuz I can't get it 'right'. And I will watch my muscles begin to loosen and relax as soon as I quit fighting with my body. I will stay as I am meditating and gently note the fly that is dive-bombing my head instead of reacting with a swat. I will Stay without judging the pain or wishing it away. I will just Stay.  Why? Because to stay means to pay attention and when you pay attention you acknowledge your pain and thoughts without judging them and they loose their power.  They need to be seen and heard and felt...gently.  So I Stay.

I will Heal. Yes, because of all this sitting around and staying...I WILL heal.  My soul will sigh and say "Finally, sister, you bucked up. Now we can get somewhere."  I will heal the places in me that are jealous and spiteful and awful - all that non-judgingwatching pays off, y'know. I will heal the  places in my body that cannot. stand. it. for. another. bloody. second. because I saw it - I watched, heard, felt the pain/irritation/awfulness and I gently watched it fade. Why? Because to be anything to anyone in this world, you gotta be healed yourself or at least on the road to healing. Because to be in pain is a given. To suffer? A choice.  I choose healing over suffering.

So please - if you are out there, anyone? Help me by 'listening' and telling me when I am off course. I want to hear from you...good, bad, questions, comments...come Sit. Stay. Heal with me...