Happy Anniversary?

I have had fibromyalgia officially for one month. Yippee for me. I'm kinda tired of the whole thing already: doctors, pills, side-effects, pain, moods so swingy I feel like a trapeze artist. <sigh> But enough about me.  This IS going to be a positive blog/journey/life/whatever.  There WILL be whining, swearing and crying, but hopefully not here. Or at least minimally. I hate to sound trite but..."If only one person is helped by reading this, it will be worth it..." yadda yadda yadda.

I WILL create a positive life in spite of? including? how 'bout BECAUSE of this silly little diagnosis.  I WILL learn how to Sit. Stay. Heal. I am throwing this out to the Universe...ARE YOU LISTENING OUT THERE???!!!! I WILL HAVE A POSITIVE LIFE!!! I WILL!!! And I hope I take plenty of people with me. But not in a 'gone postal' kind of way.

I will Sit...with the pain and not become all screwy and entertwined with it.  I will not ignore it or get angry or depressed or...anything it.  I will just Sit.  Both literally - in lotus, when I am meditating and figuratively, when I find my woeful self all wrapped up in her woeful self.  Why? Because to become part of the pain gives it power.  To become woeful is just pathetic and I hate pathetic.  Because I can't pay attention to other people when I am too busy paying attention to myself. 

I will Stay...in that yoga position or bent-over-cuz-I-can't-stand-cuz-my-back-refuses-to-straighten and I will watch.  I will watch my breath and thoughts and pain and I will marvel at the fact that my thoughts are worse than aphids - zip here and zip there with no logic or plan - and I will marvel at the way the pain lessens when I watch it.  It just needs a little attention.  I will stay in that Godforsaken yoga position that irritates my entire being cuz I can't get it 'right'. And I will watch my muscles begin to loosen and relax as soon as I quit fighting with my body. I will stay as I am meditating and gently note the fly that is dive-bombing my head instead of reacting with a swat. I will Stay without judging the pain or wishing it away. I will just Stay.  Why? Because to stay means to pay attention and when you pay attention you acknowledge your pain and thoughts without judging them and they loose their power.  They need to be seen and heard and felt...gently.  So I Stay.

I will Heal. Yes, because of all this sitting around and staying...I WILL heal.  My soul will sigh and say "Finally, sister, you bucked up. Now we can get somewhere."  I will heal the places in me that are jealous and spiteful and awful - all that non-judgingwatching pays off, y'know. I will heal the  places in my body that cannot. stand. it. for. another. bloody. second. because I saw it - I watched, heard, felt the pain/irritation/awfulness and I gently watched it fade. Why? Because to be anything to anyone in this world, you gotta be healed yourself or at least on the road to healing. Because to be in pain is a given. To suffer? A choice.  I choose healing over suffering.

So please - if you are out there, anyone? Help me by 'listening' and telling me when I am off course. I want to hear from you...good, bad, questions, comments...come Sit. Stay. Heal with me...